Eduardo

Machinheas. That name was a youtube account. I never got the meaning of that chosen name, but frankly I didn't care. I knew the owner of that account as Eddi. He was 23 when I first met him. His age was almost as significant as he was, for 23 has always been my favorite number for no reason. Eddi and I clicked automatically. We could stay up all night, talking for hours without running out of dialogue. He made me feel alive with the occasional laugh that he would grace me with. I knew him, and he knew me. Our bound was like no other. We felt as though we could not live without eachother. I told him one day, that I wanted to kill myself and was contemplating doing so. I was so lost, and in so much pain from my brothers suicide and fathers arrest. This was when I first met Eddi. His tone got serious, a rarity, and he told me that I must promise him never to take another sleeping pill. And also, that if I killed myself he would proceed in doing so because he could not live without me. Our love held nothing sexual. He looked at me just as just a human being. Not wanting anything from me in return. He just wanted a friend. I was his best friend. Eduardo changed my life. I did not commit suicide, and I overcame my anorexia and pill addiction with his help. He introduced me to a light which my dark life had not known. He undoubtedly changed me. For that I am ever thankful, and will never forget. I am who I am today, because of Eddi. We met online, through youtube back in the day when it was solely used for communication. For domestic reasons, I was not allowed onto the internet for 3 whole years. But for those 3 years, not a day went by that I did not think of him. Each night I wept in my bed. Wept. Crying out in pain. I contemplated suicide. I was ready to end my life. My promise to him stopped that thought. I prayed for him every single night; For him and his family. I prayed that he would forget me, and that he would not be in as much pain as I was in. For that I regret praying for. I feel as if he left me, forgot me, erased me. I'm not confident that i'll ever talk to him again. That my children will never speak his name, or see his face. Until I moved out at age 18, I was not allowed to contact him nor anyone via internet. The first thing I did when I moved out, was search for Eddi online.I looked through youtube, all his messages were erased. His account was non-existent. Nothing turned up. It's as if every footprint he made online vanished. He no longer existed.